Reflections at one year post-op...
Happy one year anniversary to me! I can hardly believe tomorrow is the one year milestone of my total pancreatectomy and islet autotransplant (TP-IAT). What a reason to celebrate!! Exactly one year ago today, I was emotionally on the edge of my seat as I was preparing for a year of unknown. What will recovery be like? Will I have any long term complications? I knew I just had to put it in God's hands. Now I can honestly say that this last year has been one of the most challenging, rewarding, and renewing years of my life. And I am so glad for days like today where I have some time to pause and reflect on this whole crazy experience.
When I went into surgery, the doctors told me that a full recovery would probably take about a year. And even then, being fully recovered means different things to different people. I'm glad they said that so I didn't put undue pressure on myself to get back to normal ASAP. Part of me was skeptical and thought, "oh, I'll be able to start school again in a month after surgery." Ha good one Rae. They were definitely right; recovery took time and patience. But slowly and surely, I made progress. By the grace of God, I started eating again, being active again, weaning off pain meds and insulin, and going back to everyday life. Now a year later, I can say the physicians were right. I am fully recovered, not "100% normal and perfect," but who is? I'll always have to be mindful of my blood sugars, my digestion and enzyme usage, and my hemoglobin/ vitamin levels. But I think being mindful of those things is actually good for me and makes me more health conscious in general. I am amazed at the power of exercise (something I've always known but it's cool to see results!), and now I can hardly go a day without being active in some way whether it's walking, running, zumba, biking, whatever. I feel healthier than I have in a really long time, and this "new normal" is such a blessing and honestly better than I could have imagined.
I was talking to a pancreas friend recently, and she said that she would not trade this entire experience for anything: her disease, the surgery, any of it. She said she has learned so much and is the person she is today because of what she experienced. After some consideration, I think I have come to the same conclusion. It is hard to say with complete assurance that I am glad that all of this happened, but I know it has shaped who I am today. I am reminded of Romans 5:3-4 which says, "We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope" (ESV). I know it is so hard to say that in the midst of suffering. But now I feel like I can look back and say that no matter what life brings in the future, whether trial or pain, I have hope in something more. I have hope in Jesus Christ, my Savior and Healer. I have realized that healing means so much more than just the physical but the spiritual and emotional as well.
This year has also brought some tough questions. I am still wrestling with many questions that would take pages to work through. As I shared my story at a church retreat last winter, I wondered why mine had a happy ending when others are less fortunate. I didn't do anything to deserve such health. I'm so grateful for it and don't want to take it for granted, but I was overcome with guilt at why I'm doing well while others still suffer. I can only use what God has given me to the best of my ability and live each day to the fullest. This is an excellent personal reminder to not take my life for granted and use my passions and abilities to really make a difference.
I think one of the best things
about this entire experience is the INCREDIBLE people I have had the privilege
of meeting and befriending along the way. You guys totally know who you are. It has been such a blessing to get to
know each of you and form lasting friendships. I can’t help but believe that
God brought you guys into my life (or vice versa) to really uplift and encourage
each other throughout the last year. So thank you for everything. :) To all my friends with and without a pancreas, here’s to another beautiful year of life..
let’s make it count! Okay time to finish watching the Olympic gymnasts so I can get even more inspired.. :)
